I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I am midnight drunk by noon
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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