I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
