My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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