So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
