This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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