you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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