I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
