I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
