I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
