this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
