Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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