She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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