do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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