dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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