After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
