That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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