i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
