tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
