You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
