I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize