So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
