i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
