You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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