Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Damn victory sex feels great
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
