Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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