You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
