sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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