I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize