I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I looked at my own cervix.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
