if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
