my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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