im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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