I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
