I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
