Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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