literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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