new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
