You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
