i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
