where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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