the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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