I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
