My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
