I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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