I showed him my bush... on skype.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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