maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Drake has all the answers
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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