I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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