I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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