If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
