i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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