No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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