Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just want nice things and good sex
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
