Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
tonight lets celebrate not being married
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize