hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
