My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize