Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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