grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize