Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
